THe Enjoyment of succeeding

Although i do want to things on my accord - i cant help but be fueled by competition. It is not the drive that keeps me going till the end of the project it is the spark most of the time.It is completing and expressing myself that keeps me coming. Today was a successful day of character designing. Stoked for tomorrows session Lord Kong

Why i do this art thing

Like many others i struggle to express my true self to the world and the people around me. I've tried writing, drawing, speaking and by taking up hobbies. I have not stuck to one thing and that it because i was always afraid to fail. I choose to draw not because i am forced or because i want to be like someone else. I draw because i want to express who i am.

Staring into my salvation

I have let fear control my entire life. It has stropped me from fully submerging myself in skating, biking, art, holding a relationship and keeping friendships. I am nothing but hope and no action. My strength has not left me and for that i am thankful. I have always fought with myself to liberate myself from this problem but i have not succeeded. Maybe looking at the problem not as a problem but a part of me that i need to examine. Analyze the origin of my fear.  People say i have eyes that look like they are always thinking - it is more like I'm trying to find the key to my salvation.

The Hatred/Fear I carry

I like many others don't like to be judged - I like many others don't like to be talked about their backs - Why do I have it in my head that that everyone around me is doing those exact things. I am not the person I thought I was - I am losing to the things that I thought I had gained control in Santa Monica. Now that I have to Lancaster it seems that the problems I had left those years ago were never gone but I stayed there waiting for me to return. These weeks have been the hardest at regaining what I had worked for all these years. At this moment I do not trust anyone I also do feel a connection to anyone. It just seems that it going to be harder in Lancaster because It is where it all started. strength, hope, dreams, faith in myself and my humanity.

No Ambition

I don't have ambition to work

I have no ambition to love

I have no ambition to care

I have no ambition to become part of this society

I have no talent

I do not make the world a better place

I don't matter to this world

I don't want to let you down 

I want to be feel alive

I don't wan to be chained to these none existent ambitions

Then why don't i want to die

Then why don't i want to be forgotten

My ambition comes from having no ambition

Conversion of pain"

How many of us are disconnect from our bodies? We here many lectures,scriptures, prophets to fully seperate ourselves from"ourselves." How can we experience the world, life and ourselves if we do not embrace the flesh and the spiritual side. We are humans and it is who we are.

Dream

Why is it hard to focus on the things that I believe are going to make me happy. Sometimes it feels like even my passion has lost it's spark. If I lost my passion then what do I have left?


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Big sad eyes

I'm losing myself in all these games. I find no connection to anyone. I stare at my families trying not to let them see the emptiness in my eyes. I have no reason...why do I continue walking?

Tie

Standing in line with my lunch. I feel my clothes tighter my neck being squeezed. I know what's the culprit. The cheesy delight that will soon be the cause of my low self esteem and sorrow.

A thought today

As we grow older many of us fall into the worlds temptations - It molds us becomes a part of us but never who we are. We start to judge our fellow man and woman. Excepting the worlds faults and our faults is the only way we can move on. The old ways have helped to a point it is time to move on, and find a new way.

I stay LA

In my car looking at the moon. I know cannot leave like this without sacrifice there is no victory.


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Life over death. ( Breaking the Toilet)

The one night many of friends remember as a joke is the night that I saw my own fragility. I had the note in my pocket explaining my reasons for my decision. I had not learned to embrace my sexuality and my strong human longing for answers. The answer was easy, drink until I died. Waking up the next morning disappointed because of my own weakness to accomplish anything even this. Like a sick twist I woke up to the news of a friends death. I haven't been able to truly face my family, friends or myself since then. Sadly it was not my last attempt. Now I live with this, reminding me of my weakness my strength my life.


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Moving House

I sit here alone looking at same branch. The cold creeping inside the car wrapping around me. I'm indifferent about it by now. It has been nearly a year since I took up my moving house. I've learned a lot about myself, life and the world around me. Some might say that it is unfortunate what happened to me but i would not change. To have no one to comfort me or hold to physically has taught me to trust and accept myself. Secondly I learned to appreciate those around me. I wrap myself in my sleeping bag and prepare for another cold night. This is where I am in my life but it is not who I am.


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A dream in the past ( random)

Im waking  up to two birds chirping on a branch, I am able to see them through the window. I couldn’t move or I was unable. It seemed like it was in the middle of summer. I try to pull myself up but for some reason my arms and legs do not seem to move that well. I don't have the strength to pull myself up. Then it all comes rushing to my head. I am a baby"

The third day, the third eye

Yesterday was my third attempt of meditating and opening my third eye. I forgot to blog about my second which did not go to well. I was distracted and did not give my full attention. The third time around was amazing!!! This time I felt like I only had one eye. It wasn't like vision but like I felt what I was seeing through my senses. . If that makes sense. The closes thing I can relate to is, comic book hero daredevil vision. I was able to see and feel my environment!!! I did not want to break away but I also want to take it in small steps. Any one Else experience this!!

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I see

My first night of meditation my attempt was to try and awaken my third. Although I have read on it. I went into it a bit blindly. No pun intended.

I focused on the spot between my eyes. Taking in big Breaths, closing my eyes and letting my mind go on it's own. I don't know if its normal on the first attempt to see and feel something. I had a tingling sensation between my eye soon after I began to see flashes of light. At first I thought someone was flashing a light at me. I saw colors and felt like never before. I'm exciting to continue and looking forward to my next session.

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Embracing the future?

We live life meeting people, making new friends. We accept that friends come and go. I recently reassured my myself that this is a natural part of life. I accept that people have their own lives and will follow their paths. Does it get any easier? I still feel much sadness when they leave. Do I really have to accept this. It just seems like I'm losing my self by growing up. Would not mind experience from others or opinions.


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